"4-3-2-1 I'm letting you go."

This piece was originally written on 10/08/2008. The title is from a song by Ben Folds.

I’m sitting on the sofa in my living room on a fall Sunday afternoon. I'm listening to one of my favorite songs by Gypsy Kings. The song is so full of emotion so full of soul. It makes my heart ache. Memories flood into my mind painful memories of love, pain and despair. Tears roll down my face. Memories of five years ago when I first started to listen to this cd, when I was still married. I remember sitting on this same sofa and my husband talking to me. I remember his face, his smile, his voice and his love for me, my crazy husband who was my heart, my love and the cause of all my suffering in life. The voice of this brilliant, articulate and sensitive man still resonates in my ears. A year later, we were separated and the next three years were pure hell for both of us as we tried to untangle our lives physically and emotionally. Neither one of us had felt so much pain before. For three years, I walked around feeling like there was a knife in my heart. I could see it. I could visualize it. I could see the blood dripping. My husband’s suffering during that time nearly killed me. It was unbearable to see him in so much emotional pain, but I could no longer be with him. Our separation and divorce marked us both in ways we had never imagined. Life did not make sense anymore and it has not made sense since.