Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Calamity (Part 2)

Continuation of the previous piece:

I told Soudi, in the gentlest possible way, that Firuz was in the hospital, he was OK, but there was a tumor in his chest. Then I said that they have done a biopsy, and it may be cancer. Soudi started saying, “Oh my God, oh my God…” Then she asked, ”Is it cancer?” And I said, “Yes, it is cancer, but he is in a very good hospital with very good doctors.” At that point, Soudi started to sob painfully. She dropped the phone. I listened to her sob for a few minutes. She was unable to speak. My sister Azi picked up the phone and told me to hang up. I hung up the phone, while I could still hear Soudi’s cry. Feeling horrible about the bad news that I had just delivered, I laid in bed imagining the atmosphere of Soudi’s house and what she and her husband were experiencing, perhaps, the most painful moments of their lives. I felt like the executioner who has just delivered the final blow. Life had changed for them forever. I will never forget the sound of Soudi’s cry; it still resonates in my ears. An hour later, I called again. I talked to Soudi for a few minutes. She was still crying, but managed to ask a few questions. I kept telling her that I will do whatever I can to help Firuz, and he is not alone.

Firuz has been doing his best to cope with his situation. At times, he has cried and has found life unbearable and his future dark, and at other times he has been determined to fight the cancer and has had hope for the future. He has started chemotherapy, and is no longer in the hospital.

When I was with Firuz in Aug., one day he was told that his cancer had not responded to the chemo and was now in stage 4. The tumor had grown to 12 centimeters. His oncologist told him that once the tumor gets to be longer than 10 centimeters the cancer is in stage 4. They would have to modify his chemo treatments. On that day, future seemed even bleaker for him. He took the news the best way possible. I was impressed with his calm and resolve. During the 3rd week after his first chemo treatment, he started to lose his hair in handfuls. He shaved his head so that he would not have to see the hair coming out in bunches. Most of the time, he had pain, extreme night sweats, which is one of the signs of this kind of cancer and difficulty breathing. He was also trying to recover from 4 operations. He was very weak.

Soudi is now with Firuz in Nevada. She has lost so much weight in the last 6 weeks. She tries to stay strong for her son, but she is in terrible emotional pain. She cries every time I talk to her on the phone.

No one knows what things will be like a year from now. Life has been terribly unfair and difficult for Firuz. The worry is constant. We all wonder how he will overcome stage 4 cancer. And if he beats it will it come back again? It is painful to see him weak, sick and in pain. What breaks my heart is to see someone so young in this situation. He hasn’t really lived life yet. His dreams and aspirations may never come to fruition. Will he be able to pursue them with an illness that may never really be cured?

I am sure of one thing; Firuz is a very strong person. He has handled this situation with so much grace. He has been tested to the core. He has accepted his fate and has come to terms with it. At times, he has comforted me when I couldn’t hold it together. If he can overcome this, he will become a much stronger person. My dream is to see him and his parents happy one day.

I, continually, ask for God’s mercy. I have worried for Firuz for many years. I have fervently prayed to God for his wellbeing for many years given the difficult to manage illness that he was already fighting. But things got worse for him instead of better. This has been a test of faith for me.

In my personal life as well, for a long time now, the harder I have tried to achieve what I want the further away I have gotten from it. I have struggled with no positive results for so many years, it seems as though the doors have been shut and will never be opened. Life for the most part has been an ugly and unpleasant struggle. The disappointments have been many and great. I have lost my faith in people and am constantly working on detachment from all that pertains to this life. I used to think that opportunities were unlimited and my fate was in my hand. Now, I feel powerless, unable to change my fate, neglected by God, resigned to accept my defeats in life, knowing that the only thing that I truly have in life is me and me alone. I am the only person I can depend on and trust.

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Wow... How painful to go through this... The best way to handle this is to stay calm and hope for the best.
Unfortunately, we can't change other people's destinies. We can make changes to our lives by being honest to ourselves and life and be content....
I hope Firuz will stay positive and make it through...
Nahid

Soheila said...

Thanks Nahid.

Anonymous said...

Soheila, I am so sorry you and your family are having to endure so much pain. Firuz is truly an example of someone who has had much to bear and yet can show incredible strength. You too, have shown great strength and yet a willingness to recognize our human frailty. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Dave

Soheila said...

Thanks Dave. you are very kind.