Enlightenment, at last!

You know how so many therapists have written all these books about how not to be a co-dependent, how to be your own person and don’t look towards another person for validation and happiness. I have been trying to implement that in my life for as long as I remember. I’ve read books. I’ve gone to therapy, but I could never do it. It really always seemed like for me to be happy in life, I must have a man. For years, I wondered how I could feel happy without having a life partner. It seemed to me that life was all about finding someone to love and share your life with. Twice, I thought, I found that person, but I was wrong each time. After my divorce about three and a half years ago, I thought this time I will do it right. I’ll take my time and I’ll find the right person. But after three and a half years of searching, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such a person in the world for me. I can, actually, say that now without feeling a sharp pain in my stomach. It’s OK, really. I’m fine. I’m finally OK with it. It took a while to get here, but I’m finally here. I have finally reached Nirvana (grin), the state of happiness under all conditions. I think, maybe, or at least something close to it (not really)! We all get there somehow, right? Maybe not all. But I’m there. For so many years I have read the spiritual writings stating that detachment from this earthly life and earthly desires is the key to happiness and freedom from suffering. My ex-husband’s voice echoes in my mind, “You need to let go of desire. It’s only then that you can be happy.” He must know. He is a practicing monk. He went from being a Software Engineer to becoming a monk and living in a Buddhist monastery in Las Vagas, from all places, within a few short weeks. He would call me from the monastery and tell me that he meditated for eight hours that day. I always thought what stamina he has. I can’t meditate for more than five minutes. I must say that he was a monk for only a couple of months when he was going through a lot of emotinal pain. That was his way of finding solace. He is back to being a Software Engineer, thank God! But he meditates a lot and deals with life’s difficulties by practicing detachment. Buddhists say, “Desire will bring suffering.” I understand the concept totally, but letting go of all desires is way too difficult. I have already let go of so many things that I desired in life and never got. The last thing to let go of is finding a life partner that suites me. I am letting go of that as well.

I’ll tell you how I made this spiritual transformation or at least transformation. I don’t really know if it was spiritually based. At the risk of sounding, I don’t really know what, arrogant maybe, (grin) I will tell you what happened. I woke up one morning with extreme clarity of mind. That is when I see things with perfect clarity when I first wake up in the morning. That is when I’m most rational. Although it only takes a little while for my emotional needs to cloud my judgment, usually about 30 minutes. So during that time of clarity, I thought about all the men that I had actually dated since my divorce. I’m not talking about the ones that were interested in me, but I wasn’t interested in them and, therefore, I didn’t go out with them more than once or twice. I’m talking about the men that were interested in me, pursued me and I also became interested in them after a couple of dates. They were all highly educated, relatively attractive and successful in their own right. But they all seemed to have issues or be damaged in some way and these were supposedly the best of the bunch, at least on the surface. No, definitely on the surface. I realized that morning that I was actually more interesting than them, more well rounded than them, more mature than them, less confused than them, less self-centered and selfish than them. When I examined their character, I realized that they were all kind of flakey, unaware of their true feelings and scared at some level. I realized that I had been happier and emotionally healthier, since I hadn’t dated anybody. I thought, if this is what is out there, then not only I’m not missing out on anything, but also I’m gaining more by not putting up with a bunch of BS and by not wasting my time, energy and thoughts on these guys. Knowing that there probably isn’t anybody out there that is worthy of me and all that I have to give ( rolling my eyes big time) puts the idea of finding that person to rest. And I’m fine. The moment that I feel alone and in need of affection, I just remember the men that I opened myself up to in the last three and a half years and how incapable of giving and receiving they were. I remember the agony, frustration and the disappointment that I felt. From the guy who was so insecure that couldn’t stand the fact that I was more knowledgeable and educated than he was to the guy who said that I was too emotional and demanding when I got upset when he canceled our date for the fifth time just a few hours before we were supposed to go out, because his ex-wife who lived in another state had had a bad reaction to her chemotherapy treatment and was not feeling well. He said that he wasn’t up to going out anymore. Mind you, they had been divorced for three years and she was surrounded by her children and family during her battle with cancer in the opposite side of the country. There was also the guy who told me, “I don’t want to be your husband. I don’t want to be your boyfriend. I just want to sleep with you.” This guy was also the same guy who told me that we weren’t a good match, because I was spiritual and he wasn’t and oh, this is a good one, my English exasperated him. Yes, my English isn’t as good as his. He is a native born American with a Ph.D. There have been a few others.

I have decided that I will never again allow anyone make me feel bad about what I am whether it is my English, my accent or the fact that I am emotional. I’m not going to beat myself up for not measuring up to someone else’s standards. I refuse to allow my worth and value be determined by another person’s perception of me. The majority of my life I have struggled to please the people around me. I have tolerated unwarranted blame and abuse by different people in my life, people I don’t even respect. I will never let anyone make me feel less than what I am again. I have found that I’m a person of great strength. I have been the one taking care of most of the people in my life. I have been to hell and back and no one can tell by looking at me what I have lived through. I have not allowed myself to become broken by life’s calamities. I have finally realized that I am a person who is very reasonable and sensible and I’m not going to allow someone else to tell me otherwise. I will not allow the limited view and understanding that they may have of me affect the way I see myself. If that means that I have to be alone for the rest of my life, so be it. My mantra at the moment is “I can do it alone”.